The worst part of all this isn’t him leaving. I expected that. As much as I knew I should have said NO when he asked me to take him back, I also knew it wouldn’t last, it wouldn’t work, and it wouldn’t be from lack of me trying.
The worst of this, is that I disappointed lied to a whole lot of people. My family, my friends, you guys, everyone on the internet who supported me when I walked away after Sexapoloosa 2011, but mostly I disappointed myself.
I knew beyond all doubt that taking him back was wrong. KNEW IT. And yet there was that kernel of doubt, that said “Hey, he asked you to take him back. He left the choice up to you. This time you get to call the shots. You get to lay the ground rules. You get to say This is what I want and if you can’t do it, then the answer is no.” Knowing full well the odds were he’d lie, and he’d give me the illusion of trying. For a while.
On yesterday’s post, Andie left me a comment, about how you think “Maybe this time.. Maybe this time things will be different. ”
Except, after 5 years, I knew things would never be different.
And I took him back.
Actually I sold my soul.
For a pair of $20 stilettos.
Apparently I am for sale. And apparently I’m cheap. And shallow.
Remember these shoes?
The shoes I found on Pinterest and spent two hours hunting down on the internet only to discover they were ISL shoes and they cost $800 and there was no way I would ever spend $800 on a pair of shoes no matter how much I loved them.
So I went looking for knock offs and all I could find was grey suede and they were still three figure and did I really want to spend 3 figure on a pair of shoes I wouldn’t absolutely love b/c they were the wrong color?
Yeah, those shoes.
Right after Brian came crawling back, he went on vacation for a week with his family. When he got back from vacation, the very next day he said “Let’s go to the Mall. We’ll look at shoes for you, and Bass Pro for me.”
While we were there, we found The Shoes, ok major knock offs but still… beige suede 6 inch heel stilettos.
They weren’t exact, but OMG they were close. And? They weren’t $800. Also? He was paying.
They were $20.
And I loved them.
I put them on and danced and giggled and laughed my way through the rest of the day. I laughed and giggled and adored them the whole way home. I wore them all night, clear up until I went to bed, and left them on the floor by my bed (Yes I’m *that* dork).
I wore them to work the next day, and I showed them off. I danced and giggled and laughed and told the story eleventy billion times about how I loved the $800 shoes but these were only $20.
And I never told a soul who bought them.
And I loved those shoes for about three days.
By then he was back to his old ways, he was too busy working, too busy eating, too busy driving, too busy watching television, too busy sleeping, too busy breathing, too busy finding ways to be too busy for me.
It was then that I realized this was not going to work.
But I couldn’t leave, he just bought me a pair of shoes. My dream shoes. If I left it would look like I used him to get the shoes. If I gave them back and left, I would have to explain where my dream shoes that I had bragged about had gone.
All of a sudden I realized I had sold my soul.
For a pair of $20 shoes.
That now, I hated.
Then, this weekend, it was over. Finally. All that was left was to give him back a couple of things of his that I had.
And the shoes.
I boxed them up, left a note saying “I don’t care what you do with them. Maybe the next one will wear them. I just know that I never will again.” I left them in the mailbox and drove away.
He didn’t even say thank you. I’m willing to bet they’re in the trash. Draw your own correlation
” … it would look like I used him to get the shoes.” Is that just like he used you to “get laid”?
It looks to me like you used each other.
Find someone else to buy you shoes and get off the merry-go-round with this guy.
lceel recently posted..Wordless Wednesday – A Long Way
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Becky Reply:
September 14th, 2011 at 1:21 pm
@lceel, Well put, you’re right. There really isn’t a difference and yet, in my head my thought process is “I know he’s using me for sex. I don’t want people to think I used him for shoes.”
Although why it mattered what people thought. And he made more money than me, his parents won the lottery, he still lives with his mom in the mansion with a pool that he someday will inherit, so I was clearly using him for the pool, the food, the flat screen televisions, the xbox games, the camera and jewelry he bought me.
So why it mattered about the shoes, I’m not sure.
But for some reason, it did.
Also? Went on line today and found 80 eleventy billion pairs of boots to replace the shoes I gave him.
And I think those beige stilettos would look exceptionally stunning shoved up his ass.
Just a thought.
Becky recently posted..My soul was for sale, and cheap too. Who knew?
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My last boyfriend (who sounds similar to this guy) I got back together with after he brought me a sand dollar, a cheesy hand drawn “card” and a rose. Yeah, we went on to have another 4-5 months of abusive codependent hell.
Look at it this way: You realized what was going on and got out. So many women don’t do that!
Kasondra recently posted..2 weeks on my phone
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Becky Reply:
September 14th, 2011 at 2:12 pm
@Kasondra, “Love” makes us stupid people for sure. I knew going in his heart wasn’t in it. I knew going in that he was just blowing smoke up my ass.
And I took him back.
Because I wanted to think “Maybe this time. He’s asking me to take him back. That NEVER happens. Maybe he wants this to work.”
He wanted to get laid.
I met him 5 years ago… I think 5 years is enough of my life to waste on him.
Becky recently posted..My soul was for sale, and cheap too. Who knew?
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I LOVE the last paragraph of your reply to Iceel…..perfection!
The Bipolar Diva recently posted..A Favor
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Becky Reply:
September 14th, 2011 at 2:13 pm
@The Bipolar Diva, Thank you Dahling. I only wish I could be the one to help him shove them.
I seriously considered writing FUCK YOU in red sharpie all over them before returning them. But you know, no matter how much I couldn’t wear them I couldn’t deface them either.
They were stilettos after all.
Becky recently posted..My soul was for sale, and cheap too. Who knew?
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Also, I didn’t write this looking for sympathy or support. I am well aware that this was a stupid mistake. I am well aware that I went into this willingly knowing it was never going to work. There was a part of me that hoped that “maybe This time”
I think the final straw for him, was the Chaz Bono post and my stand on that issue. He just couldn’t accept that I could accept Chaz as a man.
Becky recently posted..My soul was for sale, and cheap too. Who knew?
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We live, we learn, we do better next time.
Megan recently posted..Vantage Point
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Becky Reply:
September 17th, 2011 at 5:16 pm
@Megan, Let’s hope it’s We live, we learn, we don’t do again. Ever.
Becky recently posted..For the first time in a long time, I can just breathe.
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wasted five years…made me think of a book I heard discussed talking to women about not wasting their “good years” chasing a man who is never going to commit.
If your intention is to marry then seek like minded men. Not desperate people but adults who can clearly demonstrate what they want, where they are headed, and what it takes to be a part of their world.
Make sure you are in a place where you can be in a relationship and then go for it.
[Reply]
Becky Reply:
September 17th, 2011 at 5:17 pm
@Doug Carrington, While I appreciate the advice, I think I am just done in the dating world. I’m ok with being just me, being single, being mom to two drama tweens. This one did me in, and really I just need to heal.
Becky recently posted..For the first time in a long time, I can just breathe.
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Good for you. Stay strong girl. You’re worth more. Hell you’re worth more than the $800 shoes.
. Love you.
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Becky Reply:
September 17th, 2011 at 5:18 pm
@Laci, Now when I see the picture of the $800 pair of shoes I just don’t want them.
But.. two days after he bought the beige ones I went back and bought two more pair of the same style shoes, one in purple, one in leopard print. I have had more fun wearing those shoes than I ever did with the beige, even the first day.
And the new ones? They’re mine.
Becky recently posted..For the first time in a long time, I can just breathe.
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Laci Reply:
September 17th, 2011 at 9:56 pm
@Becky, You had me at leopard print! Wear them with pride. Wear them every single damn day!
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Becky Reply:
September 19th, 2011 at 10:46 am
@Laci, Those shoes? RAWK. HARD. I love them. And I wear them every chance I get. Right now those they don’t go well with sweatpants.
SO I usually take the sweats off.
Just sayin’
Becky recently posted..An Job Application of Sorts
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[...] for my work, if you read my blog, you will find that clearly I am cheap. After all, I sold my soul for a mere $20 pair of stilettos. I am willing to work for cheap (read free) because the street cred alone is worth way more. In [...]
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