Today, is my son’s 18th Birthday. 18 years ago today, I walked into the hospital was hooked up to IV’s and induced. He was happy where he was.
18 years ago today, my brother was leaving Basic Training, and flying out of Texas. I had made a bet with him that he would leave Texas before I had a baby.
Way to lose that bet for me Ian! You owe Uncle Sean a case of beer.
Not only did Sean leave Texas, he was just landing in St. Louis about the time Ian was born.
18 years ago today.
Five years ago in the process of moving and drama and a whole lot of things I’m not proud of, even more things his father did that make me hate him with a passion that burns hotter than Hell, and a whole host of other things that really no longer matter because they can’t be undone, his father took him away from me against my will.
And I didn’t fight hard enough. Not even close to hard enough.
And his father used that, convinced Ian I didn’t love him because clearly if I had, I wouldn’t have given him away.
So, here we are.
His 18th birthday.
I haven’t had any contact with him in two years.
None. Not an email, not a text, nothing.
And my hatred of his father burns hotter every day.
And the hole in my heart where my son should be continues to go unfilled, aching with the child I miss. Even now, especially now, on his 18th birthday, my arms ache to hold him, to tell him how desperately I love him and miss him and how horribly terribly sorry I that I didn’t save him 5 years ago.
Happy Birthday Bo. No matter what anyone else says, no matter what you’ve been told and made to believe, I have never ever stopped loving you and I never will. You are 18 today, and today you are a man. A man who can make your own choices, a man who can make up your own mind. My heart, my arms, my home are yours whenever you come back to me.
All my love, for the rest of my life, and then some,
Love Mom
I pray for reconciliation. A child deeply longs for the love, acceptance and approval of their parent no matter what the past is. Too often we let one wrong influence our perception of a person. One hurt feeling to make us stay permanently away from the person.
I’ve seen this happen to friends who have teenagers and go through a divorce. My mom was never going to see her father again and after I was born my dad took me and my twin brother on his own to visit them. Suddenly a relationship was no fixed but the door was opened for mending and renewal. I pray for the opportunity to see your son and even if that’s not possible the notes and packages you send him will be remembered
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Becky Reply:
October 10th, 2011 at 10:45 am
@Doug Carrington, My sister, my mother, my father and my daughters along with my 2nd ex husband (Not Ian’s father) are all in contact with him. In fact he still sees and loves and talks to everyone in his family on my side… except me.
I cling to ‘Someday’ like a drowning man would cling to a life preserver. My family, every one of them told him this weekend at his birthday get-together that I love and miss him and would love to hear from him.
Silence.
It will take a miracle to be sure. Thank god I believe in them.
Thank you for your kind words.
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