I don’t know that I can begin to find the words to adequately describe to you what BPD is like for me. And for me to not be able to find the words for something, that’s saying a lot.
Everyone knows that bipolar disorder is best described as extremes. Extreme highs, extreme lows. We take the good and make if fucking fabulous, and we take the bad and we make it apocalyptically horrible. It’s a talent.
Everyone experiences BPD differently. I can’t speak for everyone else out there, but I can try to put into words what life is like for me recently.
Right now, I am spiraling. And fuck, it’s ugly. I know it, I’m taking steps to control it, but those steps take time. I know what triggers it, I have coping methods. I am intelligently able to head this off. I am not, however emotionally or mentally strong enough to fight it. My brain knows what to do, my heart and emotions and core just can’t.
I know to ‘normal’ well adjusted healthy mentally stable people none of that makes any sense.
I go about my day as if I am a small tiny insignificant soul hiding in an intelligent functioning adult body. I feel as if there is a physical mask/costume I am wearing.
That weighs a fuckton.
There are days I feel as if I am forced to function submerged physically and mentally in jello. Where you can see all around you but it’s cloudy and difficult to maneuver.
Even these simple sentences are not doing it justice.
I live in fear, that the ugly little troll person who is actually controlling the Awesome Me puppet everyone sees, will break free, and people will see how ugly I am on the inside. They will hear the voices in my head constantly berating me with hateful things that are all too easy to believe.
I’ve been through enough therapy to know the language. I can parrot it back to them, verbatim, right along with them. I know I am intelligent, I know I can write, I know I am a good photographer, I know I am a great mom. I know that I have worth, and I am know I am more than the vagina between my legs.
And yet? I don’t know any of that at all, for sure.
Or maybe I do know all that but I have allowed people around me to not know it. And now, convincing them otherwise is proving impossible.
*ahem* bipolar disorder.
I am a rapid cycling bipolar. Which means my moods swings can happen at lightening speed with little to zero warning. “From Zero to Bitch in 0.03 seconds?” That’s me. I can send you a text that says “I love you” and if you don’t respond in the predetermined by me, but not shared with you amount of time I text “Fuck you then”. I’m sexy like that. Is it any wonder I’m fucking single?
I hate my disorder. I hate my life when it’s controlled by my disorder. I hate me when I’m in a spiral. And that hate, feed the spiral and the spiral intensifies the hate and do you see what kind of fun this shit is?
I fight a very difficult very valiant war inside my head every single day. I pray my disorder does not harm or destroy my daughters. I pray that the fight I fight is strong and worthy enough to allow me to overcome the demons inside so that I can be a good mom to my girls. I also live with the fear that if anyone truly knew how horrible it is inside my head I wouldn’t have my girls another day. What the girls don’t know, and can never know, is that they are the single solitary reason I get up every day and fight this fight as hard as I do.
I worry now, that putting this out there will somehow make people view me differently. That those who know me in real life will shudder and shy away. That now, instead of Becky, they will just see Crazy. Or worse, they will think I’m too much drama. They have the luxury of walking away. I can’t walk away from my life.
I am swimming against a tide determined to drown me. Afraid to reach out because what if they turn away? Or worse, lend a hand and save me only to walk away once they know I am no longer in danger. I have so little faith in so many people, and really, it’s because I have so little belief in myself.
I am swimming. Harder than I ever have. I will get to safe ground. I’ve traveled these waters before. Please just promise you’ll all be standing on the shore waiting when I get there??
Also, have margaritas. Lots of margaritas.
You’re quite brave to have written this. Thank you so much sharing it.
Andie recently posted..Tidbits
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Becky Reply:
February 7th, 2012 at 2:34 pm
@Andie, Thank you. I hope I’m not also quite stupid. It could come back to bite me in the butt.
Becky recently posted..Putting into Words the Unspeakable Things about Bipolar Disorder
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I’m sorry you’re having a hard time, Becky. It took a lot of strength to write this. xo
Avitable recently posted..The One Where I Cheat On A Meme #FRIENDSPC
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Becky Reply:
February 8th, 2012 at 1:38 pm
@Avitable, Hence the margaritas. Seriously, though, thank you. It took strength, and courage and probably some stupidity but I feel as if those around me have no idea what it’s like inside this disorder. And when I’m caught up in this disorder it is ugly.
Becky recently posted..Putting into Words the Unspeakable Things about Bipolar Disorder
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Thank you so much for leaving a comment on MY blog because if you didn’t, I would have read YOUR blog and I feel it’s all such a sign of some sort. I’ve been wondering a lot lately about my 9 year old daughter. She worries me. We have a history of manic/depressive and bipolar disorder in my family and I see her traveling down that same road. She’s been doing some things lately that have me freaking out a bit and while I don’t want to jump to conclusions, I know the signs. I can certainly sympathize with you because I grew up surrounded by it. Haven’t had a chance to check out your entire blog yet, but I was wondering if you had this as a child as well?
Carolyn West recently posted..Help! I Can’t Do It All
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Becky Reply:
February 8th, 2012 at 4:45 pm
@Carolyn West, To be honest, I wasn’t officially diagnosed until 2007 which made me a full fledged adult, but once I was diagnosed it was easy to go back and see certain behavior as very clearly bipolar disorder. What we thought was teenage angst, and then college attitude, and then postpartum depression turned out to be bipolar disorder (and postpartum depression).
I watch both my daughters like a hawk looking for symptoms so that they can get help and treatment much sooner than I did, and their lives will be much easier than mine has been. You have my email, I will be happy to answer any questions you might have, but I would also encourage you to talk to your child’s doctor, or even take to her a psychiatrist for an evaluation.
From my own experience the best way to describe bipolar disorder behaviors is…lack of impulse control. Just reacting, sometimes, mostly over reacting. Start there… email me if you want to discuss this further. And thanks for coming by…
Becky recently posted..Putting into Words the Unspeakable Things about Bipolar Disorder
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I get what you are saying. Like me, you could BE the therapist but for whatever reason, we are unable to apply that logic to ourselves. If I were a good swimmer, I would dive in to get you. However, I am on the shore with a big warm towel and……is whiskey alright?
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Becky Reply:
February 9th, 2012 at 12:13 pm
@middlechild, Whiskey is just fine, please bring a coke or something to mix it with as I am a lightweight when it comes to whiskey. It kicks my ass every time. Thank you so very much for being here.
Becky recently posted..Putting into Words the Unspeakable Things about Bipolar Disorder
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you are so totally right on. I’m sorry you’re in the spiral right now. it’s a horrible place to be. I hate that for you. You’re right, we logically know what to do, but just can’t do it. “It”, the BPD, becomes too overwhelming. Right now I feel good, really good. And you know the bad thing about that? I always worry when I feel good that mania is beginning. I just want a typical, ordinary life. And know that I’m always here for you.
The Bipolar Diva recently posted..BUSTED!
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Becky Reply:
February 9th, 2012 at 12:16 pm
@The Bipolar Diva, I sent you a separate email today with things I wanted to say to you that I didn’t think should be here. I am so glad that you are in a really good place right now, even if there is doubt and worry that lingers behind it. Nobody really understands how every single mood we have is riddled with questions, is this appropriate, is this a swing, how long with this last. I would give almost anything for an ordinary life where I didn’t have to question everything.
Becky recently posted..Putting into Words the Unspeakable Things about Bipolar Disorder
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