You’re sick.
You’re crazy.
You are fucked in the head and you need help.
All of those words were leveled at me this weekend. To an extent, they are true. I have a mental illness. That mental illness sometimes grips me so hard, logic and reason are beyond my reach. Yes, I do stupid destructive things while in the midst of this hell. They seem logical and right at the time, there is no impulse control To be honest that is my healthy brain screaming out for help, much like Reagan wrote HELP ME on her physical body from the inside while the demon possessed her.
You’re sick.
You’re crazy.
You are fucked up in the head and you need help.
Words spoken by someone who not only doesn’t understand, but clearly doesn’t want to. Spoken by someone who would not step outside themselves to help. Those words said to me were as painful and as hurtful and as destructive as real physical blows to my body. My manic brains seized on those words and repeated them over and over and over mantra style inside my head.
You’re sick.
You’re crazy.
You are fucked up in the head, and you need help.
I have two irrational fears in my life. The fear of getting fat, and the fear of being crazy. ( I said they were irrational fears) I can live with “mentally ill”, I can live with “bipolar”, I can even live with ‘sick’. I can not live with ‘crazy’. I know I’m sick, I know there are times I look/act/sound like I’m fucked up in the head, mainly because when I’m in a spiral, I am fucked up. But crazy, while it’s pretty much common vernacular for stupid behavior, it also still stirs up images of loony bins and straight jackets. And I am scared to death of crazy.
You’re sick.
You’re crazy.
You are fucked up in the head, and you need help.
The truth is, I’m getting help, but help doesn’t make a difference over night. Medications take weeks to be visibly effective. Therapy can take years. I’m never going to be normal, and life with me is never going to be Ward and June Cleaver. When I’m sick, or crazy, or fucked up in the head, I can put on a charming smiling face and be a lot of fun to be around. if I work at it really hard. But the whole time I’m laughing and having a blast, the voices, the other person inside my head is saying things like “You know you’re crazy right? You know this is just an act. You know that it won’t stay hidden forever. Someday they are going to know just how fucked up and damaged you are.” So, what do you do, when you’re falling down that rabbit hole and the person you reach out to for help, the one you should be able to count on, is the one who’s telling you
You’re sick
You’re crazy.
You are fucked up in the head and you need help.
I sit here, staring at my phone with such intensity I expect it to burst into flames, waiting, willing the little green light to blink, signaling I have a text message. Hour after hour it stays dark. The help I reached out for, screamed for, cried and begged for was never there as I fell apart, lost myself, gave up. Even now, as I am trying to put it all back together, find myself, and find my way through the shame and disgust at my words and actions, the help, the support, the person I need is nowhere to be found. All because they believe
I’m sick.
I’m crazy.
I’m fucked up in the head, and I need help.
It is times like this, when I am trying to find… something, anything redeemable in me, when I question everything, when I have spent the entire day on the couch because I can’t get up and face any more of the world beyond my laptop, that I need to know that I am not alone. I need to know that I have not been abandoned, and they can still find something, anything, within me that is worth loving. Because as I struggle to free myself from the voices, their words echo in my head. It’s times like this that the voices inside my head scream the loudest, because there are so few voices outside my head to drown them out. I have to save myself because when it gets ugly, when it sucks me in and steals my rationality, my logic, my reasoning and my sanity, nobody wants to help, or knows how to help, and so they run. I am left alone and abandoned, and faced with the cold hard truth the isn’t enough in me for them to love. And I’m jealous of their freedom, their ability to run away. Because I can’t.
You know, I may not totally get where you are coming from but I have been reading your blog for a while and I care about you. I wish I could offer you more help but I do listen through your blog and please feel free to email me to chat.
I have found you to be brave in examining your feelings and attempting to deal with your struggles. You share your pain but I am hoping that you are not considering ending your life. It sounds like the person reached out to was of no help and just remember that there are others to turn to during your struggles.
Lucy recently posted..The Duggar Post Led to A Frightening Comment!
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Becky Reply:
February 21st, 2012 at 12:10 pm
@Lucy, I’m not even sure why I write about this here. Nobody really gets it unless you’re another bipolar and so I’m writing words that leave my readers scratching their heads or shrugging their shoulders.
My life is never in danger. The bottom line is, I have two daughters and their very existence is the anchor that keeps me from going completely off the deep end. I cry for help in many different ways, but I never do anything that would endanger my life or cause someone to lock me up and take me away from my girls.
Becky recently posted..I May Be Sick, I May Be Broken, But I Refuse to be Crazy
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As a mom to a bipolar, I totally understand.If you EVER need a willing ear or shoulder hit me up in email and we can even talk on the phone..
Angel recently posted..So Dazee has some questions…
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Becky Reply:
February 21st, 2012 at 12:07 pm
@Angel, Thank you. Sometimes it is so hard for me to reach out b/c the times I need someone to help the most I’m so far gone I do anything and everything I can to push them away b/c I’m so pissed off at the world.
So, if you get an rambling email that makes absolutely no sense is is virtually littered with F-bombs.. That’s me!
Becky recently posted..I May Be Sick, I May Be Broken, But I Refuse to be Crazy
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I just want you to know that I understand bipolar II and am pretty sure that’s what’s “wrong” with me. Doctors have tried to make other diagnoses fit…depression and anxiety, primarily…but those don’t really address the pure anger (at absolutely nothing apparently…I have no reason for this kind of anger) that overcomes me at times and is often focused squarely at myself. Nor do they address my ability to become absolutely obsessed with a thought or an idea or … whatever … to the point that I simply cannot find a way to get my brain to just STOP.
Anyway, I do wish that you could speak more openly here. I’ve been reading you for years and just wish we could really understand the details to these posts. Maybe that’s me being nosey, but I also feel like it’s me thinking maybe I’ve been through the exact same situation before and knowing someone else is out there dealing with something I understand might help you or me or both of us! I hope that makes sense.
I know the medication merry-go-round and I’m currently trying to “make do” with what’s been working for my depression. I wish you luck as you make changes and I know exactly how terrifying it is to change meds (at the same time you’re terrified NOT to change them!) and the self-loathing that comes because you need medication in the first place. I wish you peace and that you can love yourself, as hard as that sometimes is.
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Becky Reply:
February 21st, 2012 at 12:47 pm
@kristie, And here I’ve been worried I’ve said too much. I find it hard to talk about the other people in the drama, (Because there is *always* someone else along for this ride) because they don’t ask to have their lives splashed all over the internet. Also, I worry that if I tell the whole entire story, in glaring nitty gritty ugly details, it will scare people off. It has IRL. The story behind this story was this…
I had a date Friday night, and an hour and a half before I was to meet him, he cancelled via text message said he had a migraine. I didn’t hear a single word from him the rest of the night.
Originally he said that he had plans both Sat and Sun so both those nights were out, but he had Monday off. Except that my girls were coming home so that didn’t work.
Saturday morning, he texts me “I’m free tonight if that helps.” (we’ve known each other so the texting doesn’t bother me). I agreed to meet him. We were to go out to dinner for our Valentine’s date.
SO while I’m getting ready I’m watching Sex and the City (season 6, Carrie is dating the Russian) and The Russian is being uber romantic writing songs and love poems and horse drawn sleigh rides in NYC. SO I mentioned that for one night I wanted a over-the-top romantic night. Set everything aside and let’s just go all out…
He texts me “You’re freaking me out”
And bam, there’s the tip of the spiral.
Followed by “I’m not really sure I can do that.”
When he didn’t show up 20 minutes after he was supposed to show up, I texted him “Where are you?”
“Driving to take the kids out to dinner.”
I was stood up, and blown off. And he wasn’t going to tell me.
Then he tells me he’ll call me when he leaves, we can go have a drink and I can spend the night.
Whatever..
And again, he never shows. When I text him Are you coming by? he replies with “No I’m not. Because you are more than just a fuck to me.”
And that was that.. I was already in a blind rage, and that was more than I could handle. Stood up, blown off three times by the same guy, in 24 hours.
The next day, he refused to talk to me, refused to answer phone calls or text messages.
until late that afternoon when he told me I was sick, I was crazy, and I’m fucked up in the head and need help. He said “You haven’t been right in your head for 2 weeks now”.
And somehow this weekend was all my fault, because I’m crazy.
Becky recently posted..I May Be Sick, I May Be Broken, But I Refuse to be Crazy
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There is much of you to love. You are worthy of love. I sometimes think I can count on my husband for support but I can’t. Not really. I have God. And I have myself. I guess that’s all we should need. But wouldn’t it be nice just to have someone say, “I understand.” or even, “I don’t really understand but I will pick you up and if I can’t pick you up, then I will lay down beside you.”
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Becky Reply:
February 23rd, 2012 at 1:17 pm
@middlechild, As sad as it sounds, I think I’m just resigned to the fact that my life is never going to be normal, and there is just no way I can subject anyone else to the hell that my life sometimes is. Sure it may be once a year, or once every 3 years, or once every 6 months, but sometimes I think that just once is asking too much of someone.
And maybe that’s just the horrible voice in my head.
Becky recently posted..I Get My Sanity Back, Only to Lose My Mind by Taking On Comments over at BlogHer
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I’m sorry that you had a hard weekend, and I hate that you had people be mean to you – anyone who cares about you or cared about you in the past should be more understanding.
Avitable recently posted..Why You’re Probably Stupid If You’re Giving Something Up For Lent
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Becky Reply:
February 23rd, 2012 at 1:28 pm
@Avitable, It’s so hard to explain, and I can’t really blame them for walking away, and yet.. I can. Because while I get not wanting to deal with the drama, I don’t get backing out on a commitment, even if it was just for dinner.
Becky recently posted..I Get My Sanity Back, Only to Lose My Mind by Taking On Comments over at BlogHer
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I wish I had great words of wisdom to offer but words are somewhat shallow when you need more than what words can offer. I have been considering getting a book called “Starved for Affection” it’s geared toward married couples but the truth is we all long to be loved. My background is Christian and I know you have that in your past and it would be so easy for me to say trust Jesus and everything will be all right. the truth is that’s not true even though many quote it like it’s fact. Sometimes we go through hard times and it just sucks. I think it’s important to recognize the voices in your head. I think the devil constantly tries to make you feel defeated. He tempts you to do things that are not in your best interest and then reminds you of how weak and stupid you are after you do it. Maybe you don’t believe in the devil but the truth is you hear voices in your head and not all of them are positive and good. The question is do you listen and respond to the voices or do you choose to learn from the past mistakes and do the next good thing for you that is positive and constructive. Your bipolar issues are real and other than seeing the results of low self esteeme and depression in people I have no clue about bipolar. It sounds vicious in the cycle of destruction it causes. All I can say is I pray for you. I wish I could say – go to a good church and people will love you and accept you and help you but I can’t guarantee that. People are selfish and not always very giving of their time. It part of being American I guess but the flip side is that we become isolated and feel empty and alone even with fb and blogs etc. Each day is a new day – what one good next thing are you going to do to make your self and your life better – we can’t do everything in one day but we can resolve to do one thing. One year I was overwhelmed with life and work and I simply decided I needed a little laughter so I stopped everything I was doing at 10:30 and watched Seinfeld and laughed – a simple pleasure but it made the long days a little easier knowing that even though everyone demanded 24 hours of my time and energy I at least got 30 minutes of me time. I’m rambling…thanks for being real…
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